The Value of Chemistry

So this past Sunday, I unexpectedly, got into a conversation with my friend Frank from my small group through Mosaic on a topic I somewhat addressed in a blog post at the end of last year on blog 1.0. It’s been one of those things I’ve been thinking about, on and off, for the last two years and felt I should give it a good blog post with, perhaps, a new set of eyes because I’ve had an additional six months of added experience and thinking to adjust my view. Anyway, the topic here is that of the role, or importance, of the ever elusive chemistry (or match-ability, or “fitting” just right) to dating and in finding your future somebody. I thought it an interesting give and take as we were similar but also very different in our views on this topic.

Now Frank can correct me here but his view seemed to be that 100% chemistry (both physical and intellectual) has to be there immediately or else any prospect is doomed to fail. That these are aspects that usually show up right away and no level of cultivation can spur measurable growth if not already present. The conversation stemmed from our mutual dating lives in the past and it’s funny (not “Ha Ha” funny) how I’ve changed because of relationships I’ve had or potentials I’ve met.

I think I’ve turned from being this ridiculous idealist who was just sure he’d find someone just “perfect” for him to this total open pragmatist. I used to think that I would, due to sheer numbers, eventually find someone who totally would fit me with tons of chemistry overflowing and that would be it with happy endings and everything else to follow. Now you know what happened? I did meet a person or two who really fell into that category and I even dated one of them for several years (who eventually ended up just leaving me high and dry for someone else) and yet I’m here still single. So sorry to torpedo western society here, but because of these experiences, I’m not convinced that a high level of chemistry is a predicator of two people staying together which, in part, explains my view on holding it as THE factor when looking at any potential relationship.

So first of all, it seems to me that there is more at play then mere chemistry because if that were the case I wouldn’t still be depressingly logging on to Match.com several times per week. In fact I’ve made a complete turn and believe that we have over valued chemistry in western society which has lead to a ton of singles in their 20’s and 30’s who won’t “settle” for anyone because they’ve determined exactly what they’re looking for (including some chemistry gauge) and until that magical person comes along they’re going to shoot down every person who doesn’t fit into this box. It’s actually really sad because it limits the possibilities and potential we have for our lives and there are also theological statements associated in this mindset

On Sunday at church the speaker talked about how God usually ends up working in ways outside our expectations. That despite our best efforts otherwise, God always seems to take us towards paths unexpected. And for a good number of us in the faith we, in a general sense, seem to be accepting of that. However, you can’t believe how many people I know or have been interested in who completely dismiss this mindset when it comes to romantic relationships. Why is it that we, as Christians, can be accepting of this “Wherever God leads me” mindset unless it pertains to relationships? You know, I’m not going to box in whatever God might have for me across the board, including relationships, as I believe in following His call wherever it may lead which has lead me to be okay about the possibility of living a life very different from the one I have now should it become obvious that he is calling me wherever.

Okay, so it sounds like I’m getting a little tangent-y but it does relate to this topic of relational chemistry. Part of it is my personal view of how God works. That He can, and will, bring people into your life for a variety of reasons with one of them being relational. As I look back, I can largely see how most of the people from my life have come in at certain times for very specific reasons and it’s usually made sense. I’ve experienced this in great affect romantically, even though it’s been years now, but through that experience I know for a fact God works in this area. So I ultimately trust His guiding hand and I’ve seen it before so I feel confident I’ll see it again.

Now as far as sifting through each person I’ve run into recently I’ve tried my best to figure out their role in my life even if it takes awhile. In regards to the role of chemistry, my personal view is that yes it would be ideal to have off the chart chemistry with someone and that IS a good thing (I’m not trying to knock it…honestly), but since I’ve only seen it very few times in my life, I understand the scarcity of it and am not going to sit around waiting for someone who may not exist. I’m not going to let this possible unrealistic ideal get in the way of the people I meet today. I’ve decided that I don’t have to meet someone who fulfills some preconceived checklist or who passes a chemistry gauge test but instead I’ve focused on a few big issues and have gone from there. My approach has become one where provided I meet someone with a shared faith, who I like to spend time with, with a similar approach to life, then we can figure everything else out. It doesn’t mean that I’m settling, or that chemistry doesn’t matter (and it does play a role), but I’m aware that love mean many things and cannot be summed up in one word (okay, well other than “God”) and if we’re looking to put all our relational eggs in one set of criteria, then we’re not living the kind of life God wants of us. I think we are to be open, seeking His will, and letting things like love find us, even in the unexpected paths. Now I know my problem with this is that I’ve found a vast majority of women I’ve met do not ascribe to this as I’ve heard countless “we’re not a good fit”, “we don’t match up well”, and all the other reasons people give and most of these have come after meeting me once which is always the best way to get a read on a person; an awkward first date. But I digress…

Anyway I did want to leave with you with this, people. God doesn’t make mistakes. He puts each one of us in our lives for reasons but a level of openness is always a good thing. The traits, desires, and personalities we are bestowed with are there for a reason. I know that I’m not the most conventional guy and I’m sure that’s hindered me in the past few years, but it’s going to click again for me one day again. I’m sure. God’s seen me through before and He will do so again and the level of whatever (chemistry, personality, and all those other things) will be what it will and it will be good. A friend of mine has told me repeatedly that you can pretty much love, and fall in love, with most anyone and at the end of the day, isn’t that what this is about?