5 Years

It was 5 year ago today that everything changed for both good and bad in my life. It was, by far, one of the top 3 happiest days of my life and brought about a 2 ½ year stretch where I felt for sure that God really did love me in a personal way despite my previous feelings. Of course the flip side is that it has now brought 2 ½ years of some serious wilderness walking and I can only hope that I’m now in the middle of seeing this walk come to an end.

I know it’s taught me the importance of being patient and how much I need to trust in God although it’s been difficult. We speak about not leaning on our own understanding and that God has a plan and so on but it can be trying as one’s world comes crashing around them. God’s goodness can appear hidden and distant when all one sees is betrayal, loss of hope, and left questioning the how a good God can stand by and allow horrible things to happen. Although I know this is not a unique circumstance as many who have come before, and after, me have/will ponder the same.

Although for me the most difficult aspect to this has been the uncertainly if all of this is part of a larger plan that God has for me or if the world really is just horrible and God sits back on the sideline without playing a role in our lives. Ultimately I side with the first interpretation, not only because it provides comfort but because I DO see God working in other areas of my life and have done so this year in some pretty startling ways. God has put me in some crazy situations, and the summer that’s winding down has gone in some unexpected directions but I feel Him moving throughout even as I stumble around.

Now in the past I know I’ve spoken on this far too negatively (I’m only human after all) but it has been a time of growth as I’m soooooo much more plugged into His community am really active across the board and it hasn’t all been bad and I don’t know if I would be at this personal place if I wouldn’t have needed to deal with some major personal upheaval. It has made me stronger and it’s also reinforced personality traits I had before, namely this overwhelming belief in following His will wherever it may lead. Remember, I’m the guy who once was perfectly okay with doing crazy things like dropping my vocation and do mission work overseas because of this idea that if God shows you His will for your life, you follow. It’s pretty simple as God knows more than I do and if He makes himself apparent than there’s no real conversation; just action.

And I’m still this way and haven’t become cynical or jaded although I am more cautious than I used to me. In fact, the one thing I know I need to work on is regaining full trust in God and the people he puts in front of me. For a long time I felt I couldn’t trust God because I was so incredible sure about this past situation and couldn’t understand why he would offer me His complete peace and inner assurance if it was just going to blow up in my face. It’s also made me pause whenever I hear any pronouncements from anyone and whether or not they really mean what they’re saying or if they merely mean it *right now* with no guarantee as to the future and that’s been a day to day struggle. Erwin at Mosaic once said in one of her sermons that he believes that God can, and does, put people in your life to specifically break your heart and that through the process you can grow in relationship with Him, which will point to a greater future, even if the process can feel overwhelming at the time.

As for the process, I’ve had times in the last few years where I’ve been at my last wits (especially so just two months ago) and juuuuust ready to resign myself and God has swooped in right at an opportune moment to remind me, “Don’t worry, knucklehead…I’ve got this.” And I do need to be reminded of that…all the time in fact. And that’s what it’s about. He has shaped me through all of this, to become quite the well-rounded, loving, caring, and unwavering guy I am now and I know He’ll use me at His timing. Not mine. So I don’t know what’s to come in the 5 years (let alone the next 5 months) or how what I see before today will come about in the long run, but I know I’ll be ready for whatever (or whoever) comes my way. I think I’m ready, God. Guide me well and I won’t let you down. I know I’ve tried to believe you’ve let me down far too long, and for that I apologize, but through all this craziness I’m ready to go where you want me in whatever form that may take me. Mold me, use me and make me an embodiment of the love you have for each one of us as I move into wherever you’ll send me.