New Eyes

Something I’ve learned in the last few years is that no matter how much I want God to simply swoop in and directly address that which has weighed me down, He always surprises me and offers up timely bits and pieces here and there that lead me along the way. I think I’ve become too “21st century instant gratification” and not enough “life is a process of incremental growth” especially this year with the things that I’m still struggling with. I’ve see a lot of disappointment, frustration and confusion in the past two years and as a sinner and mortal being I just want to feel like I’m back on track like how I felt almost three years ago but that might not be what God wants of me. I have to remember that our walk of faith is essentially one of relationship with God and He is more concerned with cultivating our character than giving us what we think we want.

Okay, now I might have to pause for a moment. Several of you might be wondering, “What exactly is Josh talking about?” Alright, well I don’t have the time (because I would get lengthy) or the emotional capital to cover the main things I’ve struggled with but for anyone who knows me pretty well (or maybe not even so much) or blog stalked me over at blog 1.0 you know I’ve had to deal with the toughest stretch of my life in the past two plus years and it’s taken me all over the place. Having said all that, it’s funny how despite the fact I’ve felt very adrift at times, God always has shown Himself juuuuust enough whenever I feel like I’m about to get a tad too blue and this actually has happened recently.

This all started a little over a week ago when a few things came my way that really negatively affected me more I was anticipating. It brought up a boatload of unresolved issues and I wasn’t prepared to somehow manage them all at once and by yesterday, it was starting to physically take a toll on me. Getting back a bit, my small group had started a new series the Thursday before last (just as I was processing some stuff) on how the attitude you have plays such a huge role in your walk with the Lord. The first night was on eradicating complaining and how this trait can poison other areas of your thought process and life. The example given was how the nation of Israel was complaining (or grumbling) while in the wilderness despite all of the gifts and blessings the Lord gave them and how this spirit actually spelled doom for an entire generation. The Lord provided their needs the entire way yet because things weren’t going the way they wanted they incessantly complained about their lot in life and we are given an example of how serious God takes to this attitude.

Now for me, I had never really thought of myself as a “complainer” but in hearing examples given and parallels drawn, I saw how soooooo much of what I’ve been dealing with falls into this. I had come to the point, and the news I received accentuated this, where all I was doing was focusing on the ONE area of my life that wasn’t going fairly well and it was threatening to drive me mad and I felt myself starting to slip. However, in the middle all of this, the Lord came in and shook me which came about last night as it was pretty transforming and very timely.

Last night’s lesson was a counter to the previous Thursday’s as the focus was not to only expel complaining but to replace it with thankfulness. For me, I found that in my need to understand this horrible stretch of time I’ve been through, my gratitude and thankfulness had become diminished. Sure, I would intellectually acknowledge these things but my heart was not there and instead was stuck in this place still feeling really hurt, betrayed, confused and lots of other things. However what was lost in all of this is that God has consistently given me what I’ve NEEDED in the past two years even if it always hasn’t been what I’ve wanted. I have to be mindful that so much of our walk of faith is a relationship and if we see the same things coming up over and over again it’s probably more of an indication that God still wants us to learn something and we’re not there yet. We might feel like we’re going insane in the process but God isn’t going to give up on us as He knows where He’s sending us and that history is sometimes merely a preface to a more grand story. I had gotten caught up in the lie that my story had gone off the tracks and that I would never get back to feeling like I was where God wanted me again. Regardless if this is part of God’s plan for me (Plan A, if you will) or if this is God taking tragedy and making something wonderful from its wreckage, His will will come through.

So having said that, I know I just need to let it go. I have to stop living with one foot in the past and the other in this vague present/future. I need to trust that God has my back and that even though not everything makes sense right now, that it will come in time. I have to acknowledge that I don’t have to understand everything right now and where I’m going at this very moment. Part of growth goes hand in hand with the process of getting there. I have to remember that God isn’t going to instill certain desires and longings and set things up so that I’m perpetually wanting. I need to live life open, ready, throw off all that which has kept me down and trust…TRUST…that despite all the sadness I’ve had to endure that everything will be ok and if I keep my head about me, and focused on Him and living a thankful, giving, sacrificial life of love, friendship and laughter the hurt of the past will melt away and give way to the future God has had in mind for me. For all I know maybe this was just the catalyst I needed…actually, seeing how God has consistently worked in my life, then probably so. Here’s to looking at the same world with new eyes.