Puzzle Pieces

After finishing Pride and Prejudice during my UK travels, I started on The Year Of Living Biblically by A.J. Jacobs. It’s a book written by an agnostic who, although with Jewish roots, never took too much of what the Bible had to say to heart but decided to try out a little experiment. He decided to take one year and try, as best as he could, to live as closely to a literal interpretation of the Bible as possible. Now never mind the various problems, theological or otherwise, associated with the prospect but if anything I’ve enjoyed the book as he honestly *is* changed by all of this. In the 4-ish years since he went through the process I really don’t know if he has followed anything further or if it was just to write this book. Regardless I liked to see him at least become somewhat more open minded, and if anything that’s a start.

Now, the purpose of this entry is *not* to offer anything resembling a book report as this is much more in line of my last post. Anyway, I love the little nuggets of wisdom that drop from time to time with life and there was a passage that struck out to me. In one part of the book he’s wrestling with Biblical interpretation (more precisely, when should a passage be interpreted literally as opposed to figuratively?) and he relayed the following:

“The Joy and challenge of life-and the Bible-is figuring things out. ‘If a jigsaw puzzle came numbered, you’d return it to the store.’ Same with life” (the quote is from a rabbi friend of his)

I think there’s something to this. I know that one of the life frustrations I’ve experienced is wanting the jigsaw pieces numbers. I like having everything laid out and in a fashion in which everything is immediately understood and where the pieces make sense *right away* but life, and God, does not work that way. However, this *does* get played out in our lives. I mean I think most of us can, with a little 20/20 hindsight, see that the pieces do fit even if we didn’t quite see it at the time. The Bible has a good number of passages that state that God’s ways are certainly not man’s ways. I also know it’s easy for this 21st century Western mind to think in terms of linear pathways and instant answers but God doesn’t operate like that. Thank Him. It follows that He works in ways so beyond our understanding that it’s foolish for us to assume that He would arrange things exactly how we would do so. In fact, we (and I know this well) get in our own way all the time and louse things up so I don’t blame God for doing things in His own way, His own time, and towards His purposes. I can trust that.

So even though I may not know where all the pieces fit, and I’m sometimes not entirely sure what my finished puzzle looks like, I know it’s all about trust that God knows what he’s doing and *that* has to be good enough.

The wisdom of Mr. Darcy

One of the funny things about life is that you sometimes don’t understand the situations you’ve found yourself until some time later. This works in ways across the board and perspective offers a view usually of great benefit down the road. Now I think we usually relate to these times in big ways, but sometimes it’s in the unexpected moments.

I just got back from Scotland over the weekend (blog post to arrive…sometime later this month) and when I stepped on the plane I had a little bit more to go with my initial foray into Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice. To the abject horror of many of my friends, I just need to say…I didn’t love it. I liked many aspects of the novel, and I’m glad I read it, but it just never grabbed a hold of me. I felt like she introduced too many characters right away for me to follow and it threw me off for so much of the book as I was constantly thinking, “Okay…which person is this again?” Alright, but now I’m getting off track because this post is not a book review…for the most part.

Now despite all of this, I was struck by a statement towards the end of the book that resounded with me. In conversation with Elizabeth, Mr. Darcy states, “Think only of the past as its remembrance gives you pleasure” and even though I’ve known that to be intellectually true for quite awhile, it really (and finally) entered my heart…on a United Airlines flight to London of all places.

I know I’ve had the tendency to be overly guilt ridden, and too tied and chained by my past in ways throughout my life. However, this has reminded me that it’s silly…really. It’s one thing to learn from the past but quite another to be hindered and crippled by it. I think I’ve been here for some time but it’s true; even though life goes in ways you wouldn’t like to see of it, the good memories very often, trump everything else. I really have great remembrances of people, moments, and everything in-between that have positively affected my life. Mr. Darcy *is* right and I like that I’ve reached that point where I’m no longer dragged down but am lifted up, and that’s a good place to be. I just thought I’d share.

Josh is Going to Scotland, btw...eventually.

So something came to my attention this past Sunday. I’m not the best in letting everybody know about future goings-on in my life. I got a call from my sister who, very understandably, asked “So are you going Scotland?” and after figuring out that the conversation I thought I had with her about the trip, took place in my head, we discussed. Ever since that conversation I’ve had it in my head to actually post about this impending trip, so here you go…

Hey everybody! Guess what? I’m going to Scotland!!! Well eventually anyway, depending on how all things volcanic play it’s going to happen, but I’m not sure when. I’m currently in a holding pattern right now, but I do have a ticket for a flight leaving for London midday Friday (April 23rd) from LAX. The only problem is that there still might be ash playing havoc for another few days, provided aekfgwrwr or whatever it’s called is going to cough anymore. If not, I’ll reschedule with everyone involved (work, friends, airlines, and the lot) and come up with a good plan B. It might only delay the trip by a week or two but I still want to make it out at the end of this week considering I totally could use the vacation but it’s really out of my control so I just need to be flexible. Yes…me.

Anyway, I’ll update when I can but be certain that I’ll have a post or two once back on my trip as I’m wont to do. I’ll also take a gaggle (that’s a lot, right?) of pictures and create a 5,827 part photo album on my FB page. It should be fun. As for plans, I’ll be taking a couple road trips with a few friends going to the University of Edinburgh, playing Skittles, hiking, seeing castles and lakes, ridding Nessie (just seeing if you’re paying attention), going to the Beltane festival (if I get out when I’m supposed to), and we’ll see…I think the call of the day is flexibility. It’s something I need to learn anyway so this is good practice. Wish me luck, say a prayer, and I’ll see/talk/IM/write you soon…

The 5 Love Languages

Hey everybody…and by “everybody” I mean friends and family of mine who check my blog, those who I will be tagging in this post and those of you who will randomly click on the Facebook Note in about 4 hours. Regardless, welcome…

So my small group has taken me into some interesting places in the past year and a half and one of places got me to purchase a book recently. Actually, this was a book my roommate Christiana had talked to me about awhile ago and, as I sometimes need, I didn’t pick it up until I found out my small group was going to have a study on it. Oh but right…you would need a title and author. It’s The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love That Lasts by Gary Chapman and, once I got past the cheesy cover (I mean come on...there's a heart drawn in the sand. Even *I'm* not that sappy), found a compellingly simple (I mean that in the best way possible) guide to understanding how different people love differently. I mean it seems like we should just know these things (as I found myself saying, “Well yeah. Absolutely.” Often, not because I had previously known them but it makes so much sense), but upon self-reflection and looking at my past loves and those of my friends I can totally see how figuring out your love language (and sometimes love dialect) can have such an affect (both positive and negative) on our relationships, and these could be those both romantic or otherwise.

Now I went in knowing the 5 Languages from a brief description and was pretty sure where I fell. Oh and before I continue, here they are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch. Before I go on about the two I found myself closest to, how about we tackle the ones I wasn’t first? Deal.

Words of Affirmation: Now I like a good encouraging word like anyone else, and I *do* know that “Work Josh” really appreciates this aspect but that’s a little different, right? As far as my relationships, I’m certainly not dying for words of praise. I suppose I figure that all the affirmation I need stems from the fact that the other person (regardless of “status”) is spending time with me (Spoiler alert!!!!) so I’m not craving these kinds of words.

Receiving Gifts: You know…I *like* when someone gives me something but I always see gifts in any relationship as more being “icing on the cake” than anything else. I *do* appreciate them, and the sentimental sod I am have had instances where I’ve spent faaaaaar too long holding on to gifts and other physical objects of a love, long after the love is gone but that’s for another blog post. So gifts are appreciated but not a requirement for me to know I’m loved.

Acts of Service: In the book these are things like doing the laundry and the lot. I don’t know…I mean that kind of stuff just needs to happen, you know? I do spend quite a bit of time doing this kind of stuff so I see them more as things “you just have to do” so I don’t have love associates with aspect. On a side not, I kept on getting temporarily confused the other night when I thought people were saying “Access service” and welcome to my brain.

Okay so I went in thinking that I would fall somewhere between Quality Time and Physical Touch and after taking the assessment, this proved to be exactly right. There’s a 30 question assessment at the end of the book and here is how I scored (the highest for any category was 12):

Receiving Gifts: 0
Acts of Service: 4
Receiving Gifts: 5
Quality Time: 10
Physical Touch: 11

So there you go. Now let’s dig a little into my two primary loves languages, shall we?

Quality Time: This one is true for me across the board in all my relationships. I feel that one of the best gifts you can give another person is your time; essentially giving a small slice of your life just to them. I think it can be very intimate and when I think all the joys I’ve had in my romantic relationships, as well as my non-romantic ones, it’s the moments of time, small slices of heaven, and stretches of time with someone else that you never want to see end that affect me the most. When looking back at the good times of my life with other people it’s always those times doing things like spending days in parks, talking until restaurants close, walking around the block in a never ending loop talking, taking long road trips in which it didn’t matter how long we’d be in the car because I was in heaven just to be able to spend time with that other person, hiking in various spots with different friends, and a host of other things and these are just a few examples from friends and girlfriends past. I’m really hard wired to be connected to people in this way, and I’ve found it especially so in my romantic relationships.

Physical Touch: It’s funny with this one as Dr. Chapman writes that very often men automatically incorrectly assume that this is their #1 when in fact they haven’t separated Physical Touch as a love language from that of sexual experience and that they’re *not* one and the same. He correctly point out that we’re all designed to enjoy sex, but that doesn’t mean that we all have Physical Touch as our primary love language. Does that make sense?

Anyway, when I told a friend of mine that this was my top love language, he practically fell out of his seat and I think it might be a surprise to many as well. Something else that Dr. Chapman notes is that we could, but not always, have a love language that might be different than the love language used by the family we grew up in. Now we’re not a totally hands off family, but we’ve never been the biggest touchy feely family either. So growing up I didn’t receive a ton of this kind of love which I think I’m fine with because I more so associate this love language in a romantic setting anyway. So maybe that’s why some people would be surprised because I’ve only felt comfortable enough to really express this love language in certain settings and since it’s been 3 ½ years since I’ve been in a relationship, I suppose not many of my friends would observe this aspect. Also, I’ve always been self conscious as to how my touch would be interpreted so I usually hold back other than goodbye hugs and the lot because life’s complicated enough without my friends (especially the single ladies) “wondering”, if that makes sense. This last point *did* bring out a big bum-out for me with the realization that my primary love language is one I don’t feel horribly comfortable with expressing to most of the people in my life and since I’ve been striking out with the ladies more often than Reggie Jackson in the last few years, I’ve found myself in a bit of a pickle. Anyway, but I’ve *always* been very touch sensitive (highlighted as a child by being very ticklish) and all the aspects pointed out in the book are ones I’ve always connected to in a hard wired way. If it’s hugs, hand holding, brushes, a hand on the shoulder/wait, or a host of other things, I’ve always expressed myself in these manners as well as enjoyed being the recipient in my relationships.

Now beyond my specific love language, there are a few aspects of all of this that really made me think. The first one was me hitting my head with my palm because it would have greatly helped to have gone through and discovered the love languages of those girls I’ve dated because it’s so often that issues arise precisely because we’re not speaking the same language, as such. Chapman brings up many examples of two people who are seemingly in hopeless situations where the discovery of learning, and applying appropriately, the other’s love language has seen a complete turnaround on things. He also notes it *is* easier with someone who speaks the same language as you, but we shouldn’t get hung up on the idea that we should only be looking for people who speak our language. Ultimately, everyone can learn to love in other languages (as well as dialects of each language), but it *will* take practice, just like learning a regular language. Anyway at least I feel like I’m more equipped for my next (and hopefully last) love. The book also pointed out to me a common fallacy that I have fallen prey to, which is just because two people share a number of commonalities, interests, and are attracted to each other, it’s doesn’t mean that they speak the same love language. So when I’ve been with someone who has filled the aspects above, I’ve normally just assumed that they also (of course, right? We’re silly people.) must love the way I do and looking back, that’s a preposterous notion but I didn’t know any better. I’m an earnest man but sometimes I don’t know what I don’t know but it’s a good thing we all grow. I’ve had a lot of growing up to do, in fact in the last few years, and this has been another stop along the way. Lastly, and something I had to be reminded of was the other night when the group went over all of this, is that this isn’t a magic bullet; it’s merely tool (and a good one at that) to help as we grow closer to the person we’re with that can enable us to love more openly, genuinely, and fully. I can learn to live with the stumbles along the way and I know that this is one of the ways in which God cultivates our heart and character so that we can live the kind of life He would have of us. I don’t expect anything less and am excited for the journey.

The "I" in "You" or "Me"

So I quite enjoy the music of Mr. Bob Dylan and, as I wrote about last time we met, I’m going through this book series covering a number of influential albums. I’m almost done with the book on Dylan’s Highway 61 Revisited and it is funny how certain quirks from artists can come out over the course of a career. In this case, the quirk is that of obfuscation. This comes out in a quote from Bob on who the inspiration is of the songs from the album. Here’s Bob’s answer and it’s classic Dylan:

“Sometimes the ‘you’ in my songs is me talking to me. Other times I can be talking to somebody else. If I’m talking to me in a song, I’m not going to drop everything and say, alright, now I’m talking to you. It’s up to you to figure out who’s who. A lot of times it’s ‘you’ talking to ‘you.’ The ‘I,’ like in ‘I and I,’ also changes. It could be I, or it could be the ‘I’ who created me. And also, it could be another person who’s saying ‘I.’ When I say ‘I’ right now, I don’t know who I’m talking about.”

There you go everybody. Now that that’s cleared up, let’s move on…

Sounds of Clarity

So a few weeks ago I stumbled upon a music shop in Belmont Shore with some friends and ran into a series I have had my eye on for quite some time. It’s the 33 1/3 series published by Continuum Publishing and I love the concept dearly. It’s a series of books, each by a different author, completely centered on a specific influential album. Because I rule, I happen to have a few of the albums that are based in the series. Unfortunately they didn’t have all the titles in the series I want to read but then again it may have driven me to the poor house if they would have so no worries. I’ll get there eventually. Anyway, that afternoon I picked up books on The Piper at the Gates of Dawn by Pink Floyd, Highway 61 Revisited by Bob Dylan and Pet Sounds by The Beach Boys.

I started with Piper, which lead to me listening to The Floyd and Syd Barrett for an unhealthy amount of time last week but moved on to Pet Sounds at the end of the week, which I just finished today. Now as much as I love Piper, Pet Sounds is one of those discs that just have always gotten to me emotionally. There are some obvious (to me) personal parallels to experiences I’ve gone through in the past decade or so but I don’t know if I’ve ever been able to properly articulate my feelings, as is sometimes the case with me and music. Anyway, while reading the epilogue this afternoon, the follow passage jumped out at me and I said, “THAT’S IT!!” as everything became clear as crystal in astonishing clarity. Here goes:

“And it really is a gift to those of us who need it. It so perfectly captures a perspective that isn’t part of the daily discussion. I mean, people don’t go around telling each other how alienated they feel, and how divorced they feel from the emotions others so readily access, and how they desperately want love and acceptance and yet fear what may come if they grow accustomed to them and then these vital elements of life suddenly go away. If someone does talk about these things, it’s rarely with such eloquence and clarity. With Pet Sounds, we hear what Brian thought and felt, and his thoughts and feelings are communicated not only through lyrics, but also through often disorienting music that wheedles its way into our subconscious.”

Not that I have been particularly looking to read someone so aptly describe this album, but I appreciated it nonetheless. Once again music is cathartic, exhilarating, speaks to and through our soul, and is such a medium used to transmit the experience of lives, one at a time. I can’t wait to dig through the next volume.

Extensions and Bread Crumbs

This is something I’ve been thinking about for a tad and thought I’d share. In fact, since starting this post, I’ve had a few more instances that may attest to my little theory here. Anyway, I’m sure most of us remember having those times either in college or high school where an extension was needed. Maybe it was for a paper, project or something else. The point is that you had something you needed to do, yet for reasons sometimes outside your control, ummmmm or well within your control, you needed an extension. That you knew unless you were granted this extension, that whatever you were called to do will go left unresolved, incomplete, and hanging in this space not quite gone and not entirely real either.

I’ve been living in this perpetual state of unresolved-ness for three years now, although something that’s been bothering me is that I almost feel that I’ve become so accustomed to this state, and have pretty much forgotten what it’s truly like to not live this way (because I faintly remember what it’s like to live feeling totally resolved), that I’m going to be become complacent…and complacency is never a good thing. Anyway, I’ve had my own “assignments”, “projects”, “research papers” (I’m trying to keep the analogy here people) to do and even though some have followed (or have been turned in) through I always get stuck on the ones I’ve needed extensions for.

Although if I may use another analogy, I’ve recently found things to be more akin to that of following along a trail being lead by bread crumbs. You don’t *need* to follow the bread crumbs, and just as you think you’ve run off the trail, a few more appear to keep you along the way. This has become very obvious to me in the past six months in my life. Just as soon, and sometimes it’s within minutes, of me thinking, “Great…I’ve hit dead end central” it’s “Bread crumbs away” in ways usually unexpected. Now I know it’s God who is distributing said bread, but I can’t wrap my head around where I might be lead but I it’s going somewhere…and that has to be good enough. Even though I’m the sort who needs, and sometimes demands, answers right away for my life I’ve take some solace in the fact that God *does* know me well enough to speak to me in ways both timely and profound but it doesn’t mean I always like His answers or the watch He’s using.

And yes. I realize I’m being vague. Sorry if that frustrates any of you because I know *I* just might be so if I were you. But I’m not like anyone else. I just know that I’ve been vacillating between feeling like I need a miracle, to feeling like I’ve received one and back again. I sometimes feel as though my heart, soul, spirit, mind or body can’t keep this up for long. Maybe this means I just need to be still. Listen. Watch. Cultivate patience. Be content with the here and now. To love. To laugh. And to not give up on hope.

*Josh jumps back in trail*